Almost all the sentences below will start with 'I' and end with 'I' and I am sure this will be kind of a boring posts to many. It is one of those times, I just wish all these are put in words and re-read by me again and again and so I cannot help posting this. Ur genuine comments are always welcome.
Life is full of contradictions and so am I. I felt again a lot of mixed emotions last week. So many kind of thoughts engulfed me in a week. I am reminded once more that I tend to lose my temper so easily and get to a mood of upset from which it takes a really long time to come out. I have been adviced to show my emotions out and I am also said some other time that it is better to hide your emotions for the larger benefit of self and others. The choice has always been mine and have been encouraged to choose among anything to show myself matured. But in the midst of these choices and decisions, somewhere I get lost to convince my choice to others whom I mostly dependant on for my happiness. Convincing others --- the thought comes when I need others to accept my feelings and when I want others to look the way I look. Its not always right. It is a terrible mistake if I ask my neighbour to dress the way I want. But dont I have the right to ask people look at my life the way I want? Truly speaking, I am really bad at convincing people be it a small party to be given to my colleagues which I think of procrastinating always or be it any life altering decison. This is one of my weakness I am trying to forego. Rather foregoing, I just want others to understand without me being the one to explain things. I know its kind of exaggerated wanting from mine. No one can guess what my brain is thinking unless they are put in words. Its so bad na, that the words which come out of our mouth and the eyes showing the emotions are the only 2 things from which others can find u out. I need some more kind of extra things to show my emotions, rather than using words at the momentous times. They can be wrong. Many a times, words put at the right time were totally wrong and totally meaningless, never intended to show or prove myself and my thoughts. I am trying hard not to repeat that kind of thing anymore. When I am given a keyboard or a pen, and when I am asked to express, I can do it far better and strict to my thoughts rather than being contradictory. But I really create a mess when I am asked to answer someone face to face. Rather than being true to myself, I end up in being good to the eyes of others, which at later point of time upsets me. I should learn the habit of being true to myself and true to others at the same time, which I know will never happen. But trying to achieve that feat is the essence of living and will be in my to-do list from now on.